


The Loss of a Heartbeat

by TsukimoriMadoka



Category: Bleach
Genre: I seriously don't know what this is, M/M, Shuuhei and Kira are cute together, just stupid nonsense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-15 09:01:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,819
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29433552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TsukimoriMadoka/pseuds/TsukimoriMadoka
Summary: Entry for the Seireitei Server Valentine's Day challenge based on prompt number five “I hate Valentine’s Day.”~*~*~“Izuru”, Shuuhei turned towards the blonde as he sat down to his right. He was holding up a bottle of sake, indicating to the empty cup. “Sure, go ahead.”Pouring his friend a drink and then himself as well, Izuru tried to smile until he figured it would look forced. “Why are you sitting by yourself? You worked hard to prepare a lot of this”, he motioned to the room in general. “You should enjoy it.”“Obviously I’m trying to drown my feelings in alcohol because the one person I’m.. interested in is happy with someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her, I just..”“Falling for someone who is in some shape or form in a relationship with someone else is one of the worst feelings to exist?”, Izuru asked.
Relationships: Hisagi Shuuhei/Kira Izuru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 11
Collections: The Seireitei Server Valentine's Writing and Art Challenge 2021





	The Loss of a Heartbeat

The idea to celebrate Valentine’s day came up a few years ago. 

A group of Shinigami from the 13th division who had been stationed in the human world had mentioned decorations and advertisements. Upon researching a little more, there was some more interest in the day but it was soon decided to make it their own Seireitei version, which essentially was one big party. 

Every division participated in some way. 

Be it through decorations, food, putting together music, some years even their own band. 

Shuuhei had tried his best playing guitar for the guests one year. He wasn't asked again after his performance and once he got over the initial defeat of the rejection, he realized it probably was better that way. He had enough self-awareness to know that his musical skills weren’t the best, but he also knew that he would still continue to play when he was on his own. Try to improve. 

As he was putting together some decorations for this year's party he couldn't help but watch the stage, where a few Shinigami from the 5th and 7th division were practicing songs to perform during the upcoming party. 

"Why don't you ask if you can join them?", Momo asked while cutting some hearts out of colored papers. She had watched Shuuhei as he looked over to the stage every once in a while. Sometimes he would literally stare for minutes, other times he turned away after a few seconds, sighing and focussing back on the task on hand. "They don't seem to have someone who can play guitar."

"Shuuhei won’t be of help then because neither can he", Renji said in passing.

Turning towards the red-head, Shuuhei glared daggers at him, but before he could speak up, Momo had put a hand on his arm. "Don't be upset with him. I think you just need some more practice and that's better done with others. Why don't you see if you can go to the human world and take classes? I'm sure they offer that."

"I can't just go there as I see fit."

"You could try asking Tousen Taichou about it", Izuru, carrying a stack of more colored papers to place on the table, noticed. "He might not be opposed to it, you know."

"You're aware I got a lot to do. There is no time to practice", he eyed the group on stage on more time. A few Shinigami had gathered to watch them. They talked, they laughed. They looked like they enjoyed their time and that was something Shuuhei never got when playing. Most people would give him a funny look, walk away. The only ones to stay were his friends and he appreciated them a lot for it. As well as for their honesty. If only one of them knew how to play. 

His eyes moved from looking at the group on stage and instead settled on Rangiku who was talking to her Taichou. He didn't look too happy when she placed a flower crown on top of his head but didn’t do anything to remove it. 

"Hoping she will give you one of those too?", Renji's voice was playful. 

"You're living a dangerous life right now."

"Oh come on! We all know you're into Rangiku and I'm certainly not the one to blame you", he bumped his shoulder against Shuuhei's. "Just between the four of us, I'm pretty sure at one point in time we all had a crush on her. You just can't let go."

"Is that why you try to make Rukia notice you whenever you can?" 

"Hinamori-san?!" 

"I'm sorry Izuru-kun!" 

"When did you become so bold?", Renji was more amused by her statement than anything else. 

"Aizen Taichou said I should speak up more. I didn't mean to upset you though, I'm sorry", she bowed her head down, almost jumping when she felt a hand giving her a pat on the head. 

"It's fine, we're all friends, right? We should be able to tell each other things like that without us being upset at the other. So", Renji looked back at Shuuhei. "Any plans on telling Rangiku how you feel?" 

Looking from Renji to Rangiku who was standing on the other side of the room, Shuuhei sighed. There was no way for him to tell her. He knew that she and the 3rd division's Taichou were together in some way. He wasn't completely sure but based on what he knew of their past and their interactions, it certainly seemed like that and he had no intention of trying to wedge himself between them.

"Pretty sure she already has someone at her side."

"Wouldn't it be better to.. ask her anyway?", Momo asked. "If she says no we'll be there for you. I.. I just think it would make it easier to move on?" 

Before Shuuhei was able to respond, he and the other three watched as Rangiku moved away from her Taichou and began walking right towards them. In her hands, she was holding more flower crowns and if going by the grin on her lips, the quartet was about to each get one of those. 

"I see you're working on the decorations this year?", Rangiku looked at Momo first who smiled back at the older woman. "They look great. I can't wait to see this whole place ready for the party and you guys", she grabbed one of the flower crowns, placing it on Momo's head. "Will look just as cute! Isn't she cute?", turning Momo towards the men in the group for them to see, Rangiku's smile just grew wider before pulling Momo into a hug which had her in a similar predicament just like Toushirou when he was hugged by her. 

"Rangiku-san!" 

The muffled sounds of Momo's voice were drowned by Rangiku's laughter as she hugged the young woman even closer into her chest. 

Shuuhei and Renji were at a loss for words. On one side they wanted to turn away and ignore any thoughts of how they wished to switch positions with Momo, and on the other hand that also was a reason to not turn away. The black-haired male was a lot more affected by the sight. He figured it was because of his feelings for Rangiku. Maybe, the thought crossed his mind just for a second, he should tell her to simply get it out of his head. Even if she said no, he would be able to go on. But on the other hand? Would that make her uncomfortable? Clearly, she would turn him down, maybe even laugh about it to make the situation a little easier for them. The muffled sounds coming from Momo became background noise the more Shuuhei got lost in his thoughts. Izuru was ultimately the one to speak though he looked to be the one to be most flustered about the display. 

"Rangiku-san you should let Hinamori-san go. I don't think she's getting air!" 

"Oh?", letting go, Rangiku looked at the bright red face of Momo. "I'm sorry about that. You just looked so cute I couldn't help myself and since my Taichou didn't want a hug.."

"You actually listened to him?", Renji was surprised. 

"Yes, of course, I did. Besides he allowed me to give him one of the flower crowns I made which does feel like a one-time chance", she noticed. "I can hug him later on. Now! I got flower crowns for you guys as well."

She was already in the process of putting one on Izuru when Momo asked her why she was handing them out. Being on the planning committee for the party, the young woman was sure those weren't part of the celebrations, and Rangiku was the only one running around with them as well. 

"I decided to make these for the people who are closest to me. If I remember correctly humans give out chocolate to the ones they love", which was nice she assumed. Rangiku certainly was no one to deny chocolate if someone gave it to her as a present but based on what she heard about Valentine’s Day it felt almost forced. Plus the fact that the women would give chocolate to the men, only to hope they would receive something back the next month? Teenage years in the human realm must be exhausting. "I want to give my friends a small thing to let them know I care about them."

It was at that moment Shuuhei realized that Rangiku had stepped closer in order to give him a flower crown as well. His face was already bright red before he lowered his head and when her hands barely touched his face as she put it on, he decided to retreat. 

"What's wrong with him?" 

"Can't handle the attention?", Renji grinned. He pointed at the items in her hand. "Do I get one too?" Crossing her arms in front of her chest, Rangiku thought about it for a second. To Renji, it looked like she actually had to consider it really hard. "Oh come on! We're drinking buddies, right? Shouldn't that mean something?" 

"I guess what it means, is that Ikkaku needs a flower crown as well. I'm just not sure how good that will look", she giggled, but then stepped towards Renji. "So, any plans on dates for the party, or are you coming as a group?" 

"I think I'll be pretty occupied with making sure everything will be done in time and nothing goes wrong", Momo scratched the back of her head. "I don't think I'll have time to enjoy anything but the food.. and besides I don't have anyone to ask."

"Let's make it a group date then because I don't have anyone either."

"You're not asking Rukia?" 

"Why is everyone thinking I would do that?", shaking his head at Rangiku in a bit of disbelief, faked one at that because he did want to ask her but just couldn't bring himself to do so. "Besides, if I'd ask her to accompany me, you should ask Hitsugaya Taichou", Renji pointed at Momo who hid her face behind her hands. 

"Isn't Rukia going to be sent to the human realm in a few weeks?", Rangiku asked. 

A nod. "Yeah, she is. Which is one reason why I'm not asking her because she has a lot of stuff on her mind right now. I'd rather ask her out to celebrate once she's back." 

"What about you?", Rangiku turned towards Izuru. 

"Uhm.. I think I'll come alone. Meet up with some friends", he indicated towards Momo and Renji. "There is someone but.."

"Wait? What?" 

Renji and Rangiku stared at Izuru with wide eyes. 

"It's complicated and I'd rather not talk about it", to get the focus away from him he decided to ask Rangiku if she was coming to the party with a date or alone. 

"Gin asked me actually. It surprised me, I'm not going to lie about that but I'm happy. You of all people should know he doesn't have a lot of time away from work." 

Momo smiled. "You must be happy about that."

"Yes, I am", she turned back to Izuru. "I'm still interested in your love interest though. Anyone we know?" 

"I'm not going to answer that."

**~*~**

On the day of the celebrations, the quartet only saw each other in passing, all of them too occupied with other things to take care of or by spending their time with other people. Renji found himself in the company of Shinigami from the 11th division most of the time. He and Ikkaku had to prevent Kenpachi from starting a fight with Mayuri twice already because the 12th division Taichou liked to irritate the other man a lot. Apparently, there were some bets placed on how long it would take for Kenpachi to punch Mayuri, and the 12th division Taichou had placed money himself. Which was why he bothered Kenpachi so much. Since Ikkaku had bet his money that no fight would happen, and his odds were low on that, he tried his best to keep it that way, promising Renji to share his winnings.

Momo had checked around the place to see if everything was in order until Sousuke had decided she had worked enough and should enjoy her time with the festivities. Hence he had taken her by the hand to pull her away, hand her a drink and began to make some small take which didn’t include work for once. At one point Gin and Rangiku joined them. Saying hello, talking some more.

Sitting on a chair, his back leaning against a wall, Shuuhei’s eyes traveled across the room.

He was sure that he didn’t know a lot of the Shinigami who were here besides the Taichous and Fukutaichous. Some exceptions being Renji, Ikkaku, and Yumichika. There were also the two 3rd seats of the 13th division who were following their Taichou closely as if to make sure he wouldn’t break down because he was holding a drink in his hands while greeting the other guests around. Rukia was standing with her brother. Both of them talking, with Rukia nodding several times. Shuuhei knew of her deployment in the human realm. He figured Byakuya would be equally worried and proud and was probably giving her advice.

Raising his cup of sake up to his lips, Shuuhei downed the liquid in one go. His grey eyes spotted the familiar figure of a strawberry blonde female standing next to a silver-haired man. The way they looked at each other in this loving manner? Shuuhei couldn’t help but feel a bout of jealousy. “I hate Valentine’s day”, the comment was more to himself than to anyone else, especially because he was sitting by himself.

Or that was what he had assumed before a voice spoke up. “Harsh words coming from you.”

“Izuru”, Shuuhei turned towards the blonde as he sat down to his right. He was holding up a bottle of sake, indicating to the empty cup. “Sure, go ahead.”

Pouring his friend a drink and then himself as well, Izuru tried to smile until he figured it would look forced. “Why are you sitting by yourself? You worked hard to prepare a lot of this”, he motioned to the room in general. “You should enjoy it.”

“Obviously I’m trying to drown my feelings in alcohol because the one person I’m.. interested in is happy with someone else. Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy for her, I just..”

“Falling for someone who is in some shape or form in a relationship with someone else is one of the worst feelings to exist?”, Izuru asked.

Shuuhei nodded and emptied the next cup. “Sounds like you can relate.”

The blonde shrugged. Ever since his days in the academy he had looked up to Shuuhei. Back then he assumed it was just him admiring the other man for what he had already accomplished and didn't notice when admiration shifted to love. Izuru figured it happened sometime after the mission in the real world when Shuuhei got attacked. Despite not looking like it, he was more worried for the man than Momo or Renji had been. 

"Sometimes I think there was a moment where I could have had a chance, but I missed it."

"Can I ask why you didn't take that chance?", his curiosity was honest. He knew why he never did ask Rangiku out: for the simple fact that she was in a relationship when he met her. If it had been different he maybe would have asked her? Oh, who was he kidding? He couldn't even look her in the eyes when talking to her about work. He wished to be able to just turn off his feelings but that was easier said than done. 

In the past, he had tried to focus his attention on other people and it worked for some time. That's until they realized he had feelings for a different person beside them. 

_"If you have feelings for someone else we shouldn't be together."_

He knew it wasn't fair to the other person. A break up was bound to happen, and he never held it against anyone. What he needed was time to work through his feelings, something he seemed to be unable to do on his own. But how could he expect someone else to help, let alone his partner, knowing full well they deserved more attention from him than an old crush? No, Shuuhei needed to work through this himself. And maybe every once in a while have his friends lend an ear, give him some advice and kick his butt.

"I think", Izuru began. "When I noticed my feelings I just decided to keep them to myself because it.. felt wrong."

"Because they were with someone else?" 

"No", the blonde shook his head, his hand reaching for the sake bottle to grab another drink. Just like Sousuke had told Momo to speak up more, he had told him the same as well before Izuru was transferred to the 3rd division. Even Gin told him to do so, and right now felt better than any other time. Maybe thanks to the alcohol which was slowly tearing down his walls one layer at a time. "Because I have feelings for another man."

There was a long pause after Izuru had spoken the words out loud. He immediately regretted his choice and drank yet another cup of sake. 

"I mean.. it's not that uncommon for two men to be in a relationship. Just look at Ikkaku and Yumichika, or Kyouraku Taichou and Ukitake Taichou."

Those two couples were the best example of it. No one questioned them. Maybe there was a curious look when new shinigami joined the divisions, especially when it came to the younger pair since they seemed to be such opposites. 

"When I realized that it's normal to be attracted to someone of the same gender, my chance was already over. The man I fell for, had fallen for a woman, who was already in some sort of relationship." 

Izuru had never been sure about what kind of relationship Rangiku and his Taichou had. He knew that they had known each other since their childhood and even a blind person could tell that they shared a deep bond. Thus there was no place for anyone else in the mix. If Shuuhei would just let go, maybe Izuru had a chance with him? What was he thinking? One thing he had learned about the man during the time they had spent together, was that he had a type: female. 

The gears in Shuuhei's head were turning on full speed. What Izuru described sounded familiar the second he heard him say the words, but it actually took him a good three to five minutes until he spoke. Until then he just sat there, staring at the empty sake cup in his hand. 

".. you said 'have'."

"What?"

"You said that you 'have' feelings for a man, not that you 'had'. Which means", grey eyes searched for blue ones without success. Izuru had turned to the side when he noticed Shuuhei's attention shifting to him, his hair hiding most of his face. ".. you like me?" 

"I didn't say that."

"The description you gave sounds a lot like me and the situation I'm in, so.. do you..?" 

"I know it's weird!" Izuru now turned to look at Shuuhei. Had he always been that close to him? "We're friends. This is making things awkward. I shouldn't have told you." 

"Then why did you?" 

"I don't know Shuuhei! Maybe.. maybe because a part of me wants to believe that you.."

_"Would want me."_

The blonde didn't say the words out loud. They were painful enough to think about in the first place and he didn't need the rejection either. So many people seemed to do so because he was quiet and preferred to stay in the back when everyone was having fun. Being around too many people made him feel out of place. Shuuhei had pulled him in a different direction. Into a place where he could be seen and it was scary. 

Damn the alcohol loosening his tongue and spilling the truth. 

"You're cute.. for a guy.. I mean.. shit I don't know what I mean", Shuuhei moved a hand through his hair. 

"If you're saying that to make me feel better it's not working. You don't need to pretend you like me Shuuhei."

"I do like you Izuru."

The way his name spilled out from the black-haired man's lips sent a shiver down Izuru's spine. 

"Maybe it's the alcohol speaking, maybe it's not.. fact is.. yes I do have a crush on Rangiku and I'm perfectly aware that nothing will ever happen between her and me. Maybe I.. tried too hard.. to make myself think that I could be with someone else, even if that person wasn't her, just like that", he placed the cup on a table in arm’s reach and snapped his fingers. "Clearly the problem is that I never cared about anyone else as much as I should have because someone else was on my mind, but.. I do understand the situation you're in to a certain point, and I don't want you to think that I'm simply trying to make you feel better by saying that I like you.. I just.."

Shuuhei had zero doubts that Izuru's feelings for him weren't real. Recalling several occasions where the blonde had turned away blushing when they spoke. It was similar to how he reacted around Rangiku. Izuru was one of the few to stay behind during nights at the bar to make sure he would get back to the 9th division grounds without any incidents, while Shuuhei himself in his drunken state would try to get others home. What would happen, was that Izuru was walking all over the streets between the different division grounds until everyone was home, and then he walked back to the 3rd all alone. 

Before that, when Shuuhei would walk next to Izuru or cling onto him depending on his state, he would ramble. Some mornings when waking up he remembered all the things he had said, other days it were bits and pieces or nothing even. No matter what, one thing was clear: while Shuuhei poured his heart and feelings out, Izuru kept his own to himself. Until now. Hearing him say that he liked him made Shuuhei a little nervous, he didn’t want to lie about that. He felt flattered.

Not because someone told him that they liked him, but because someone told them while knowing full well Shuuhei’s heart wasn’t theirs alone.

"I don't know if I could give you what you deserve", which was someone who could love Izuru with their whole heart.

"How can you say that?" 

"Because I can't switch off my feelings that easily.. if I decide to give you a chance I mean", Shuuhei pushed himself off of the wall, got up and, took a few steps away from Izuru. His eyes scanned the room. Once again he saw Rangiku next to Gin. The smile on both their faces, the way Gin held her hand and Rangiku leaned against him. Shuuhei wished to experience love like that for himself one day. "I'm a complicated person. If you're okay with that.. with me.. and if you're willing to give me time to sort my feelings..", he turned around to his friend who was looking at him with wide eyes. "I've never been with a man before though."

"Neither have I", Izuru said in a whisper. "Are you serious though? You don't have to force yourself to.. try and make me happy if it's not what you want."

Ever so slowly, Shuuhei walked back towards Izuru. Being with a man had never come to his mind. He liked women, he was certain of that, and yet, at this moment right here when he looked at Izuru he could see himself being with a man for the first time. "To be honest, I don't know what I want besides being with someone who likes me for who I am and not for how I look."

"I don't like you for your looks", Izuru raised his hands, waving them around frantically. "I mean.. that's not what I meant! You're attractive and all but that's not the reason why I like you."

Shuuhei chuckled. "Don't worry Izuru."

The next words he spoke didn't reach the blonde's ears. Once again, when Shuuhei said his name, Izuru spaced out. Now that he had admitted his feelings he felt a lot more nervous than before. He couldn't take them back. The words had been spoken. And he didn't want to take them back anyway because yes, he did feel better for telling Shuuhei how he felt. It was like someone had lifted a huge weight off of him. Breathing became easier. He could look Shuuhei in the eyes for a longer time. He felt like he could open up to the other man a little more. 

"Shuuhei?" 

The black-haired man fell silent. "Yes?" 

"If it's okay with you.. could I kiss you? Only if you really want to, I mean. No matter what your answer is to any of this.. I don't want us to stop being friends. I value our friendship and.."

The words got stuck in his mouth. 

The last thing Izuru wanted was to push Shuuhei away. The situation both were in was crazy enough already and anyone who saw them or rather heard them talk would think of this as some kind of love triangle. He barely acknowledged Shuuhei crouching down in front of him. When he put his hands on Izuru's knees, he saw the blonde flinch as he was pulled out of his thoughts. 

"I think.. I would like a kiss."

Izuru's eyes widened with surprise. Did he actually just hear those words? Or was this a dream? No, he didn't want an answer to that question fearing that this was indeed a dream he would wake up from in a second. Dreams always ended right before the good parts. He decided he didn't want to wake up before that, and so he moved. His hands cupped Shuuhei's face, who looked at him with raised eyebrows, as he leaned forward. 

All the noise of the party was drowned out the moment Shuuhei felt Izuru kiss him. Did he ever expect to kiss another man? No, he certainly didn't. Did he feel like this was wrong? Not one bit. His eyes closed automatically as he leaned into the kiss. Into the touch of Izuru's hands. His own holding onto them as he carefully moved his tongue along the blonde’s lips. Izuru, not expecting that, pulled back and looked at Shuuhei. 

"Should I stop?" 

"No. I mean.. I don't know", Izuru stuttered out a few more words that didn't make sense. He was still holding Shuuhei's face in place as his mind wandered off. 

"Izuru? Do you want to go somewhere else?", a part of Shuuhei assumed that maybe Izuru didn't feel comfortable by sitting at a party where a lot of people could see the exchange. If he thought about it, he himself felt that way. He should have been able to stand above any strange look he might get, after all, he had the number '69' tattooed on his face, and he found out the meaning it had in the human world rather quickly. It was strange at first, to know about it. Did he care? No. It was his decision and he was happy with it. The same applied to the situation now:

he was happy to kiss Izuru whatever other people might think about it. 

"Where would we go?" 

Shuuhei shrugged. "My place? Or yours? Whatever is more comfortable for you."

"Can we.. just go for a walk?" 

"Sure", a nod. Taking Izuru's hands in his own, Shuuhei stood up and pulled the blonde up from his seat. With their hands entwined both men began to slowly move and make their way towards the main entrance, pushing past people they knew as well as unfamiliar faces. No one looked in their direction and if they did, both men didn’t notice it and could care less.

"Hey, Shuuhei?" 

"Yes?" 

"Do you still hate Valentine’s Day?" 

"Mhm", smiling, Shuuhei shook his head after thinking about the question. He would have if things today had gone differently but Izuru’s confession had turned the day around completely. He certainly was a lot braver than Shuuhei himself. "No, I don't think I do anymore." He leaned towards Izuru for a quick kiss which was only interrupted by Ikkaku telling Rangiku very loudly that he would not wear a flower crown before he was held down by Yumichika, Renji, and several other Shinigami. “Let’s get out of here.”

Izuru smiled back at Shuuhei. “Gladly.”


End file.
